Do your Absolute Best‼️‼️‼️

💙I am doing my very BEST‼️ I’ve been saying these words a lot lately!

Although I know I am doing my best, I’m my biggest critic & I have been the hardest on myself! I’m not sure if it’s the hormones or what! I’ve found myself crying, upset, worried, & completely stressed some days because I did not complete my to-do list for the day, or I’ve burnt myself out and now I’m mad at the world 🌎

It has been super hard because I usually get it done with no excuses! After my latest meltdown I have decided to just DO THE BEST that I can! If I do not finish something oh well! I’m done setting super high expectations & finding myself mentally & emotionally drained when I do not succeed!

I remind myself that this too shall pass! I will not be pregnant & miserable forever! Until then Oh well‼️‼️‼️

keeponkeepingon #imtrying #mindsetreset #beyourbestself #maketimeforyou #selfgrowthjourney #selfawarenessjourney #trustyourpath #expectations #vulnerabilityisstrength #trustyourself #createthelifeyoulove #youtime #chooseyou #livefortoday #quietmoments #makeyoursoulhappy #controlwhatyoucan #relaxandrecharge #takethetime #smallthingsinlife #youareenough #empoweryourself #beyourbestyou

Life is all about Growth.. Happy Almost Birthday to ME!

 Hello!!

It is almost my birthday! Another year around the sun, and I am so grateful. I have come far from where I started. To think just ten years ago I was a new mom, unhappy in a toxic marriage, in school, serving in the Army, and not happy at all. Ten years ago, I would just wake up and get through my day the best I could. There were so many days I just wanted to give up. This was before I committed to therapy and before the start of my healing journey. I was a twenty-two-year-old young woman with so much more hurt and trauma ahead of me. I remember my mom always saying, “one day you will look back and laugh at this period of your life”. My mom was right! Today I can look back and laugh at some things because I thought my life was over after infidelity, divorce, trauma, abuse, & mental health struggles. All the trials I experienced in the last ten years were nothing but lessons that I needed to heal and grow into the woman I am today.

I appreciate the hard times I experienced more today than ever before. In the beginning, I did not accept the lessons instead, I harbored hurt and anger because “how dare someone mistreat me”! I was not aware ten years ago, or even five years ago how much anger towards another person consumes your life. Anger consumed my life to a point all I did was get angry! The smallest problems made me upset. I lashed out in so many ways because I wanted revenge. Revenge for me was my transgressors feeling as hurt, miserable, and traumatized as I was. What I realized through therapy and maturity is that I may never receive an apology, my transgressors may never acknowledge their actions, & the experience of my trauma may not even bother them. I had to accept that it was my trauma to accept and heal from. I could not hold anyone accountable for how I was feeling except for myself. It took years for me to realize the trauma I have experienced was out of my control, but the way I decided to move forward after the trauma is in my control.

Acknowledging that I was in control of how I let others affect my life is what helped me to move forward and start my healing and growing journey. I started acknowledging the good things in my life that I had to be thankful for. Although my first marriage was a failure, I acknowledge today that it needed to end, or I would not have experienced love as I have with my husband. All the trauma I have experienced in the last ten years led to something better in the end. Domestic violence, infidelity, divorce, mental health struggles, & trauma gave me strength. I grew a strength after I became a single mother. I am thankful that my two sons were in my life after my divorce because they were my daily motivation. The fact that I had two little humans watching my every move motivated me to get into therapy so that I could heal myself, and not cause them any more trauma.

The goal has always been to break the cycles. My parents were never married or together long enough for me to know or understand what a man and woman healthy relationship should look like. I had no idea what a healthy marriage was, which is why I allowed red flags in my first marriage. The mistakes and red flags in the first marriage prepared me for my current marriage. If I were being completely honest, I would say the divorce of my first husband is when my life completely changed for the better. I believe in closing chapters and starting anew. Just because something does not work out does not mean you failed. Sometimes your life must fall completely apart for you to get it together.

Right now, I am at a point of acceptance! I am still getting my life together one day at a time, but I am happier and healthier than I was ten or five years ago. I still have my struggles, but I am no longer angry, revengeful, petty, or just miserable. The healing and growing have been a process. It has been a hard process and I have put in plenty of work to get this far. I had to let go of things I could not control, remove my ego, & not let the small things get me down. There was a point in my life when I would be depressed about situations for weeks at a time. I have a new rule now that has helped me tremendously! It is okay to not be okay, and it is okay to have a bad day or two. But I refuse to allow myself to drown in self-pity and let my emotions control my intelligence for longer than a day or so. During this healing journey, I have learned that you must know how to pick yourself up, do not always expect others to save you because you will never be healed.

Thirty-two is right around the corner and I am prouder of myself for this upcoming birthday than any other birthday. I am still in disbelief that I have been going after my dreams without caring about the judgment of others. The motivation I have had this year along is absolutely amazing. Life is all about lessons! We all will have different lessons, but the goal is to learn and grow from life lessons. Never stop growing in life. Look at yourself as a flower. A flower needs to be properly nourished to grow. Commit to nourishing yourself and watch how your life change. You deserve to heal from all the trauma you have experienced. In honor of my birthday month, I will be having a sale on all The Pearl Blog PostiveMindset Merch. Support me by purchasing something from the site, and make sure you use the code HEAL to get a discount on all purchases. Also, follow me on Instagram @healingandgrowing_ and like my page on Facebook!

 

Thanks, Toni

Forgiveness…

Forgiveness…
There are many reasons that people decide not to forgive. I can name at least 10 reasons why not to forgive someone, but what are the reasons to forgive? In my early twenties, I held grudges and now I am in my thirties and I realized today after a brief conversation with my mother that I am still not mature as I portray to be. If I were mature, I would let go of the resentment and disgust I feel towards some of my transgressors. Forgiveness is what I thought I had accomplished years ago because my definition of forgiveness was disconnecting and indefinitely ignoring the other person. Until today I did not realize that I am technically just pushing the problems and issues under the rug by pretending as if the person or the actions that were done does not exist.

The truth is that forgiveness is not easy, and it takes a strong individual to release and truly let go of the hurt someone has caused them. I believed that removing a person from my life and pretending that he or she did not exist was forgiveness, but instead I was harboring anger, animosity, and negative thoughts that are not good for my emotional or mental health. There has been some trauma in my life, and I have accepted the trauma, and I am in therapy to assist with the healing, but I have not forgiven the people that caused the trauma. My mother who is in her late 60’s said it was not until her 40’s that she started to forgive her transgressors and no longer allowed them to live “rent-free” in her thoughts. She told me in her 40’s she understood more that people can make mistakes and that forgiving them was for her, not for them.

Since I am now in my 30’s I have thought more about my future. Although I have come far in my trauma recovery process there is still a lot more growing and healing that I need to do. For me, the hardest part is the memories of my trauma, and I normally connect the memories with the individual or event that caused the trauma. Today I would like to accept that “I was assaulted, I was abused, I was manipulated, & I was not in control of what happened. All those things I “was” but I can say today I am ready to not live in my past trauma anymore. Sweeping my trauma under the rug is not the answer, which is why I attend therapy and talk about the effects of my trauma when I need to. Today I would like to start the healing process and part of that is acknowledging the who, what, when, where, & why of my trauma. Once, I have acknowledged my trauma and the person and events that caused it I would like to officially stop allowing my transgressor to “live rent-free” in my head.

Until today, I was not aware that holding on to anger towards someone, even if I did not release it towards them meant I was allowing them to have control over my life. I will not live the next 10 years of my life pretending that someone did not hurt me, and pretending I am healed because I ignored them. Therapy is working, but therapy is a marathon, and it takes time to make progress. Practicing forgiveness will take time and effort on my part. Over the years I have not put any effort into forgiveness, but now I feel more ready than ever, because if I am being truly authentic, I can admit I have cried over people that have hurt me since I cut them off, and I have asked myself why they did this or that. I also have blamed myself for my trauma. The cycle of being okay, then going through a spiral of hate or negative emotions and thoughts about my past has happened consistently over the last fifteen years of my life.

Kathi Norman said it best “Failing to forgive, or unforgiveness is the practice of engaging in ruminative thoughts of anger, vengeance, hate, and resentment that have unproductive outcomes for the ruminator, such as increased anxiety, depression, elevated blood pressure, vascular resistance, decreased immune response, and worse outcomes in coronary artery disease. Practicing forgiveness enables the transgressed individual to reduce their engagement in rumination thus reducing their experience of anger, resentment, and hate. Forgiveness, then, is a pathway to psychological well-being and health outcomes” (Kathi Norman). Depression is hard, anxiety is hard, PTSD is hard, but adding mental health issues on top of failing to forgive can be damaging to your mental health and not forgiving has damaged my mental health for the last 15 years. I am now aware what the “lack of forgiveness” can do to my mental health.  To prevent mental stress I am committed to working towards forgiving my transgressors, but I will start with forgiving myself. The years of blaming myself and self-sabotaging myself are over. The healing must first start with me! I wrote this blog because I was not aware until this morning that I had been harboring some terrible feelings and thoughts for a long time. There has been enough hurting, enough sadness, enough, and enough tears over things that I cannot control. I had no control over the traumas I experienced, but I have control over how I decide to handle the healing and growing process after the trauma.

Forgiveness will not happen overnight! There will be good & bad days. My goal now is to write down those negative feelings, allow myself to feel them, and then release them. I no longer want to harbor anger and hate in my heart. If you are dealing with forgiveness issues I hope that you find peace as well. The only way we can grow in life is by moving upward. To move upward we must first accept our past and allow ourselves to heal! How are you healing and growing through your trauma? Comment below or head over to The Pearl Blog Facebook Page and join The Pearl Blog Mental Health Forum.

Resources on Forgiveness:
Kathi Norman article: Forgiveness: How it Manifests in our Health, Wellbeing, and Longevity

Recommended blogs if you enjoyed this one:
https://thepearl.blog/2020/12/08/the-inability-to-move-on/
https://thepearl.blog/2020/11/02/what-does-love-means-to-you/
https://thepearl.blog/2020/11/12/i-am-a-survivor-not-a-victim/

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