I’m Struggling, What’s Next?

Hey Pearls! 

So, Thursday has passed, and my weekly blog was not posted because what I originally planned to post is not matching my current mood or situation. I have been stuck in this dark place for about two-three weeks. While in this dark place I have worked out, meditated, spoke with my therapist, & been proactive with my mental health and although I have prioritized my mental health nothing and I mean nothing has been able to help me! So, what should you do when you have tried everything to help yourself & nothing is working? 

Firstly, if you are struggling in life and nothing is helping to improve your suffering then it is time to make some adjustments. Often, we become accustomed to our everyday routine, and the idea of changing our everyday routine can be scary. If you are waking up every morning and ending every day unhappy it is time to make some major changes in your everyday routine. Did you know changing your routine can bring you happiness and make you feel more confident while getting through your day? Keeping the same routine keeps you from progressing. Deciding to break your everyday routine and changing up your normal schedule can be rewarding and bring a new level of happiness into your life. Believe it or not changing your routine will assist in feeling less burnt out, exhausted, or mentally overwhelmed. Change is necessary and I realize I am lacking in that department. I have become so used to my everyday schedule, but obviously my usual routine is not working, and I am left feeling burnt out, exhausted, and mentally overwhelmed. Starting Monday, I will be making some major changes in my day-to-day life. One problem I have is attempting to complete too much in one day. After my morning meditation and workout, I have decided to only complete 1-3 other task throughout the day and allow myself time to “be still”! Along with being still, I have also decided to rest or do light work when the children are napping because it helps prevent the feeling of being overwhelmed once they wake up. Wanting to get things done is great but think about creating a short task list each day with 1-4 task and having different task each day so responsibilities are split and there is no stress to complete everything in one day. So, first thing first, we must change our day-to day routine if it is not working in our favor. 

Secondly, check your ego! You are probably thinking what does ego has to do with this? Well, ego interferes with life running smoothly. Ego causes extra stress, confusion, and unnecessary disagreements. Ego also causes irritable moods and makes it hard to keep your life on track. For example, I often attempt to do everything on my own. My husband is the most amazing man I have ever encountered, and he supports me in everything, but I often deny help from him. Once I deny his help, I find myself getting angry at him when I start to have “too much on my plate” My ego tells me 

“You got this, and you do not need his help”! My ego tells me “He is to blame, because he is not here during the day to help carry the load”. My ego tells me “It is all about me, I am the one that just gave birth to a baby”. Although my ego tells me those things, I know in reality my husband is not to blame for my burnout, exhaustion, or mental state. I cannot blame him. Being burnt out is one thing but add ego into it and that is a deadly combination. When you are already tired and not aware of your ego it can lead to bickering between you and loved ones. Allowing your EGO to take charge prevents you from seeing things clearly and assessing the situation or problem objectively. When life is already hard it is important to be able to assess what is happening around you. Not being able to assess situations and work them out causes battles and conflicts between you and those who could be supporting you through the hard times in your life. So, if you are struggling in life and nothing is working; do not allow your ego to step in and push away those who love and support you. Be open to hear advise and other perspectives. Remember ego can cause you to lose touch with your actual reality, so keep the EGO in check! 

Once you have made changes and checked your ego, what should you do next? Think of ways to take care of YOU! What makes you feel good? Does work make you happy? Does shopping make you happy? Does fitness make you happy? Or maybe traveling makes you happy? Sit down and make a list of things that make you happy and start fitting those things into your life. Once you find a routine, support, and things that makes you happy; life will slowly start to get better. It is okay to need support to lighten your load. Maybe you need to delegate task to others. I have decided to start having my older kids to clean their own upstairs instead of me cleaning our upstairs and downstairs. Also, I will now be having one self-care day each week and a self-care weekend once a month. It is important to put yourself first even if you are married, in relationship, a parent, a business owner, or whatever. You are important and you must prioritize your mental and physical health. Tough times, builds tough people. If life does not seem to be improving take the steps to make changes. If you do not make changes in your life, you cannot expect any changes to occur. I have been looking at myself in the mirror hard lately and because of my day to day struggles I wanted to share the changes that I will be making because it may help someone else. Look deeply into yourself and be honest with what you need to be happy. Look at yourself in the mirror today an ask yourself am I okay? Am I happy? Do I need more support? Is my ego in the way? Answer those questions and make the change. Life struggles are temporary, stop focusing on what is not working, and trust that the changes you make will bring you nothing but joy, success, and peace that you deserve.

-Toni

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Hello! I’m super excited about my most recent partnership with SAAVI a Athleisure & everyday lifestyle line that is Lulumelon quality, but more affordable prices! This brand is amazing & fits all shapes and sizes which is why I love it so much! We recently launched on November 1st, I have 2 discount codes to give away! I want one of my subscribers here to get in on the deals from this new drop!

Use Contact button on homepage! 💕

Also if you’re interested in being a brand partner or an affiliate use the contact me on my homepage and I can get you connected! This has been a great opportunity for me & like everything else I wanted to share this with you! There’s no stringent requirements, there’s an free clothing credit, clothing that makes you look & feel good, & a opportunity to invest in YOU! It’s close to the holidays and the perfect time to make some extra income!

Let me know! See y’all Thursday! 💕

Some Walls Are Meant to be Torn Down

Some Walls Are Meant to be Torn Down

Birthday Girl:

My birthday celebration is over, but I must admit it was more than amazing. Due to pregnancy pains & being overwhelmed lately; I had decided that I would not be having a baby shower or a birthday celebration. I decided about two weeks ago that I would rather be resting for my birthday this year, and I was doing exactly that when I noticed cars pulling into my driveway! To my surprise, my husband and family planned a surprise baby shower/birthday celebration with plenty of love, gifts, & all my favorite foods! The entire day was just amazing. I can admit there are days when I feel like I care and do so much for others, but that same energy is not always reciprocated and that bothers me. On my birthday I felt loved, appreciated, & thought about! Being able to see all my family coming together for me touched my heart. My birthday was a day of revelations to me. 

Revelations:

A revelation is a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way. There were a few revelations that came to me in that one day. One of the most important revelations is “You are deeply loved, & that love does not have to be perfect”. Trauma has hardened my heart more than I would like. Trauma causes me to keep distances from people I love deeply and trauma affects the way I trust anyone in my personal space. I want to give & receive love, but the first sign of being deceived, mistreated, or disrespected is when I immediately check out & place a wall up that makes any healthy relationship impossible. The walls that I have placed are to protect me, but they are also causing me to hurt & keeping me from receiving so much love. In relationships, friendships, and family connections there is a chance of being deceived, mistreated, or disrespected. Any relationship can lead to being hurt, but does being hurt mean cut that relationship off completely? I have a habit of cutting people off, or not dealing with them in a loving way when I feel unloved. During my birthday celebration, a surprising fact dramatically came to me & it brought me to tears. Each person in that room loved me, and although there have been times we acted unloving towards each other, they always seem to show up for me when it matters the most!

“You are deeply loved, & that love does not have to be perfect”.

Walls are not always needed…Empathy is:

I realized that building walls and detaching from people who love me has been the easy way out for so many years. Instead of having empathy & allowing myself to see another person’s perspective I have built a wall & allowed myself to display apathy (a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern for others). The thing about having a revelation is that it can just show up unexpectedly, but more than likely when you need it the most. I needed this revelation sooner than later. Perfection does not exist and as I continue to grow and heal I must remember this. There are people I love that are far from perfect, but they love me, care for me, & are there to support me when they can! A loving relationship does not mean a perfect relationship and I realize that now. I cried tears of joy when I realized that some walls are meant to be broken down, and should not have been built from the start. Relationships are giving and taking. There have been times I have shut down and had nothing to give to those I love, but they still would attempt to check on me. The tables have been turned & I have not shown empathy at all for those I love, but that changes today. The last three months I have felt like I was mentally, physically, & spiritually struggling alone. The truth is some people love me & have tried to get through the thick walls I built, with no prevail. A part of healing and growing in life is taking accountability for yourself. I take accountability for all the times I was unloving, lacked empathy, pushed people away, & kept up walls from those that only wanted to love me. 

So I have learned:

A major part of maturing & self-development is holding yourself accountable when you are wrong. I am more than grateful for the revelation “love that is worth it, is not always perfect”! It is technically a new year for me, and I plan to partake in some serious self-development. You are never too old or young to work on yourself. Self-Development is lifetime work! My birthday wish is to always be better than I was the year before. I am sure that I will have plenty of revelations this year. The walls that I have built over the years are something that I would like to work on. It is okay to have boundaries for those you love, but remember not to cut those you love off completely without first seeing things from their perspective. Breaking down was does not mean allowing those you love to cross boundaries, it simply means being open to understanding and empathic. If someone you love makes a mistake and apologize, accept the apology only if there is changed behavior along with the apology. An apology without changed behavior means nothing. With that being said keep an open heart, and accept & give love abundantly. Life is too short & unpredictable to not be loving!

-Toni

Hello Pearls👋🏾 UPDATES‼️

Hello Hello Hello 👋🏾

I have been on a short hiatus. Theses last few weeks has been mentally hard on me for various reasons!

I have struggled physically & spiritually as well! I have felt like giving up, I have been happy, sad, angry, and ecstatic again all in one day.

When I go through tough times I like to release it through The Pearl Blog, so be prepared for back to back blog post this week!

Also, I appreciate all those who subscribe, like, & comment here, FB, & Instagram. I also, appreciate those who support my Positive MindSet T-shirt Merch as well! To support me & spread awareness all I ask is that you like, comment, share, or purchase something that resonates with you!

I post frequently on Instagram & Facebook

@healingandgrowing_

Thepearlblog on Facebook

I can’t wait to hear from you, & please tag me in your merchandise so I can repost it!

Thanks, Toni

Hello! 🖐🏾️UPDATES‼️

Happy Saturday!

This Blog is just me wanting to say Thank You! Thanks for all likes, follows, & support! I started The Pearl Blog at one of the lowest moments in my life mentally, spiritually, & physically! Sharing with you & receiving the support means so much to me! The Pearl Blog is apart of my healing and growing journey! I post blogs weekly, I’m also on Instagram @healingandgrowing_ & Fb! Both links : https://www.instagram.com/healingandgrowing_/

https://m.facebook.com/healingandgrowing/

The goal is healing and growing through trauma, so if you struggle mentally feel free to engage on my FB Group or follow for encouragement on The Pearl Blog & Instagram!

‼️Also, don’t forget to shop The Positive Mindset T-Shirt Collection there’s something for everybody to support mental health awareness! Stay on lookout because I have new stuff coming before my birthday in July!

All Links to Merchandise is listed on the home page! 🛍️

I just wanted to check in with my subscribers and all who has been supporting me!

Thanks,

Toni ❤️

Thanks for All Love & Support ❤️

Join The Pearl Blog Mental Health Forum on Facebook!

The Pearl Blog has created a Mental Health Forum where you can receive advice & support. Please join for updates & motivation! 🧘🏾‍♀️🎗💜 CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO JOIN NOW! ⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇
 

April Blues

April Blues!

Tomorrow we enter into to April 2021, & since April of 2018 when I lost my father I have always experienced what I call “April Blues” . The entire month of April I usually feel fatigued, sad, depressed, discouraged, & angry because I feel like a piece of me is missing here on earth and I want him back! My father was a funny man. He was the type of guy to walk in a room and immediately make you laugh because he would say a random of the wall joke! When I lost him my first thought was why now? Why right now when we have built a bond, he has changed his life, and my babies know & love their Papa! So, every April since then I would sit in sorrow & grief and just not allow myself to enjoy the life that I still had to live. This year I will be 32, and I guess you can say I have grown mentally, spiritually, & emotionally because I do not want to sit in sadness & grief this April! This April I will be following the theme of “A healing April” So how will I focus on healing instead of grief and sorrow in April? Let me tell you!

 

The 1st issue I will be focused on in the month of April!

Firstly, I am one of the most open and authentic people ever. I am open about my life, and I am transparent because I know there is someone experiencing the exact same issue. One of my flaws that I am aware of is impulsivity!  I have the tendency to act without thinking. Acting without thinking has been one of my flaws since I was a teenager. I am the woman that will send that rude response out of anger, and feel bad five minutes after, or I will make an impulsive purchase that I regret later. Acting on impulse is something I am working on intensively within myself. In the month of April my 1st goal is to stop being impulsive, examine motives carefully with regards of my current circumstances and in regard to others who may be affect by my impulsiveness.

 

The 2nd issue I will be focused on in the month of April!

Believe it or not I am one of the most confident women I know, but I also am my biggest critic. I am harder on myself than anyone else around me. Confidence is a topic I preach on, but I am not always confident in myself. Although I have accomplished a lot, I often question if I have done enough? or am I doing enough now? Enjoying the rewards of my work & uplifting myself is my second goal for the month of April. I will encourage myself more and speak prosperity over my life. Speaking prosperity over my life includes rewarding myself, congratulating myself on creating resources that will allow me to reach goals for my future, and allow myself to enjoy those small accomplishments and all the little things in life!

 

The 3rd & biggest issue I will be focused on in the month of April!

I will not allow sorrow to keep me depressed or shut off for a long period of time. Grieving, feeling overwhelmed, or depression are common, but I do not want to experience another month of full sadness. Life is short! There will be sorrow, disappointment, & moments when you feel completely burnt out. Which is why my 3rd and most important goal for the month of April is to avoid becoming trapped in negative thinking. I have accepted my situation, and I know something better will emerge in place of what was lost. Depression has been a struggle for me because I have trauma and I have experienced some major losses, but I want to try something different this year and see how I feel at the end of the month.

 

Final Thought:

Life is hard! It does not matter your circumstances, who you are, or where you are from…We all have troubles, pain, & unspoken issues that we deal with every day. My only hope is that you take some time to reassess and allow yourself room to heal! Healing does not happen overnight. I have remained in trauma recovery therapy for over six years, and I know for certain I am not healed completely, but I am striving to heal every day. I hope you are too! Healing is worth not Hurting! I promise!

 

If this blog resonates with you, I also suggest you read the following:

Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace….

If I was given a $1.00 for every time I was asked “How did you move on with kids?” “Were you scared?” “How do you co-parent with a new partner involved?”. First let me state this, when I said vows and became a wife, I never thought it would lead to a divorce. I filed for divorce because I knew the relationship was no longer healthy & I knew it would not improve. Filing the divorce was the easy part, but once it was complete, I kept thinking I would be single forever because who would love me with children! I thought every single negative thought you can imagine. I also felt very ashamed because my marriage had failed.

When I met my current partner, it was random & believe it or not I did everything in my power to run this man off, just to see if he could stay through ups & downs. The fact that he seen me & my children as a “packaged deal “was how he stole my heart. My partner never tried to replace their dad, he never stepped on the other parent toes, & he always kept it respectful because he only wanted to see me & the children happy!

Love after divorce is the hardest because learning to trust, being open for love, & accepting that even this new relationship could also fail was not easy! The uncertainty is the scariest feeling in this world. The uncertainty and the emotional/mental health of my children was a major concern. I did not want my children to feel like me having a new partner, means that their dad was replaced. I was scared to trust my own judgment. I stepped out on faith & decided to give love another try, and I can now say it was the BEST DECISION of my life!

In the beginning it was uncomfortable because I had never done this before, and I did not know if I should introduce my ex-husband and my new partner or if I should just let things flow. My ex-husband moved on quickly after the divorce, and he never properly introduced me to his new partner & because she was the mistress while we were married it was already an understanding that her & I would not be interacting. But I felt the need to have the two of them met each other. Now that I have more experience, I would say your ex and new partner meeting is not a necessity for a healthy co-parenting relationship, especially if the divorce between you and your ex ended with hostility. I learned that keeping everything between my ex-husband and myself was easier than involving all parties. There was less conflict when only my ex-husband and I communicated about the children.

Although my partner was an active parenting partner for the children & the children were with us 90% of the time, my partner still never crossed any boundaries with the kid’s dad. My ex was hostile and often rude about my new partner being so involved with our children. My ex often spoke badly about my new partner and his new partner was often rude & disrespectful towards me. It was not easy navigating all these different people, and trying to keep the kids unaware and happy. Trying to keep everyone peace and all parties on the same page became way too much work. We even tried combining a birthday celebration by going to a movie as a “blended family” & we tried to show the kids we could be “blended” but that was not realistic because of the hostility & anger that was still in place due to how the marriage ended. We would do good for a few months, and them BOOM there was drama again.

So my new partner and I came up with the perfect solution on how to co-parent when there is a new partner/role model involved. For us we only cared about the welling-being of the children. We wanted the children to know that they have two homes, two new extra supporters, & they can love us all because we all love them. The goal was to not place any aggression, pressure, or any form of negativity around the kids. So, we started to simply follow the custody agreement to the T. We did everything legally right, and if there were any issues, we handled them through the courts. We stopped all unnecessary conversations and only spoke when it was necessary to speak about the kids. My partner and I decided that emailing was the best form of communication because it can be traced, and the co-parenting with my ex started to become more peaceful. The children seem to be enjoying the peace, and it is simpler for them and us. When I divorced and then moved on, I had this tv image of us all being “blended” and on family vacations together and having holidays together like Mashonda & Alicia Keys have done with Swizz Beats and their children. But the reality is… All divorces & co-parenting situations will not end in peaches and cream. It is important to know that your situation will be different from mines, and the next person. My only suggestion is that you focus on what is best for your kids, yourself, and the new person you love. Do not allow the other parties to control your life. “Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” —Dalai Lama. There is light at the end of the tunnel, & there is sunshine after the storm!

If this blog has helped you, please subscribe and comment your thoughts and opinions below! ❤

“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” —Dalai Lama.

 

Yesterday, Tomorrow….

 

Today I feel empty, like there’s no life left in me

Today I feel hurt, & my mind is going berserk

Today I realized that I am broken and wish I wasn’t awoken

Today I am aware that I have never experienced true happiness because the thoughts of all that has happened

Today I accept that even though I seem to have it all, I’ll trade it to go back to that little girl with the corduroy overalls.

Today I am aware that I was violated, & it turned me black-hearted

Today I realize that I have been the problem, and maybe I’m the reason I am so black-hearted.

Today I know that I can not erase my past, & I’m a fatherless girl craving & yearning for a dad.

Today I realized that until I heal, I can never fully live.

Today I accept that even when I give it my all, I still may fail.

Today I know that these feelings are temporary, & it can all be better in February.

Today is almost over, & tomorrow I get a do over.

Tomorrow I will fill those empty spaces with smiling faces

Tomorrow I will release the hurt, & make sure I am doing the work!

Tomorrow I will put the pieces back together and enjoy some beautiful weather.

Tomorrow I will experience happiness & happy thoughts!

Tomorrow I will accept my flaws, and know I was not the cause of it all!

Tomorrow I will pray for my violators, and not allow them to affect the good that will happen for me later.

Tomorrow I will accept that I have lost my father, but I gained a daughter!

Tomorrow I will not blame myself for all the pain & accept that I have so much more to gain.

Tomorrow I’ll understand what’s temporary will not affect my February.

Tomorrow I’ll do better than I did yesterday, & yesterday will be just another day!

-Antoinette “Toni” Murray

ThePearlBlog