Some Walls Are Meant to be Torn Down
My birthday celebration is over, but I must admit it was more than amazing. Due to pregnancy pains & being overwhelmed lately; I had decided that I would not be having a baby shower or a birthday celebration. I decided about two weeks ago that I would rather be resting for my birthday this year, and I was doing exactly that when I noticed cars pulling into my driveway! To my surprise, my husband and family planned a surprise baby shower/birthday celebration with plenty of love, gifts, & all my favorite foods! The entire day was just amazing. I can admit there are days when I feel like I care and do so much for others, but that same energy is not always reciprocated and that bothers me. On my birthday I felt loved, appreciated, & thought about! Being able to see all my family coming together for me touched my heart. My birthday was a day of revelations to me.
A revelation is a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way. There were a few revelations that came to me in that one day. One of the most important revelations is “You are deeply loved, & that love does not have to be perfect”. Trauma has hardened my heart more than I would like. Trauma causes me to keep distances from people I love deeply and trauma affects the way I trust anyone in my personal space. I want to give & receive love, but the first sign of being deceived, mistreated, or disrespected is when I immediately check out & place a wall up that makes any healthy relationship impossible. The walls that I have placed are to protect me, but they are also causing me to hurt & keeping me from receiving so much love. In relationships, friendships, and family connections there is a chance of being deceived, mistreated, or disrespected. Any relationship can lead to being hurt, but does being hurt mean cut that relationship off completely? I have a habit of cutting people off, or not dealing with them in a loving way when I feel unloved. During my birthday celebration, a surprising fact dramatically came to me & it brought me to tears. Each person in that room loved me, and although there have been times we acted unloving towards each other, they always seem to show up for me when it matters the most!
“You are deeply loved, & that love does not have to be perfect”.
Walls are not always needed…Empathy is:
I realized that building walls and detaching from people who love me has been the easy way out for so many years. Instead of having empathy & allowing myself to see another person’s perspective I have built a wall & allowed myself to display apathy (a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern for others). The thing about having a revelation is that it can just show up unexpectedly, but more than likely when you need it the most. I needed this revelation sooner than later. Perfection does not exist and as I continue to grow and heal I must remember this. There are people I love that are far from perfect, but they love me, care for me, & are there to support me when they can! A loving relationship does not mean a perfect relationship and I realize that now. I cried tears of joy when I realized that some walls are meant to be broken down, and should not have been built from the start. Relationships are giving and taking. There have been times I have shut down and had nothing to give to those I love, but they still would attempt to check on me. The tables have been turned & I have not shown empathy at all for those I love, but that changes today. The last three months I have felt like I was mentally, physically, & spiritually struggling alone. The truth is some people love me & have tried to get through the thick walls I built, with no prevail. A part of healing and growing in life is taking accountability for yourself. I take accountability for all the times I was unloving, lacked empathy, pushed people away, & kept up walls from those that only wanted to love me.
So I have learned:
A major part of maturing & self-development is holding yourself accountable when you are wrong. I am more than grateful for the revelation “love that is worth it, is not always perfect”! It is technically a new year for me, and I plan to partake in some serious self-development. You are never too old or young to work on yourself. Self-Development is lifetime work! My birthday wish is to always be better than I was the year before. I am sure that I will have plenty of revelations this year. The walls that I have built over the years are something that I would like to work on. It is okay to have boundaries for those you love, but remember not to cut those you love off completely without first seeing things from their perspective. Breaking down was does not mean allowing those you love to cross boundaries, it simply means being open to understanding and empathic. If someone you love makes a mistake and apologize, accept the apology only if there is changed behavior along with the apology. An apology without changed behavior means nothing. With that being said keep an open heart, and accept & give love abundantly. Life is too short & unpredictable to not be loving!