Reality: the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them
When I used to think of my reality it disgusted me so much that I hated waking up in the morning. I used to wake up and think “Is this really my life?” I was ashamed of my life decisions, I was ashamed of things I accepted, and I was ashamed of where all my decisions had led me. Along with the shame there was guilt. I Felt guilty because I could not accept my reality and my life in the state it was in.
I was twenty-five years old, divorced, traumatized, broken, angry, and doing a great deal of self-blaming. I was divorced after staying in a marriage five years too long. I had allowed cheating, disrespect, and abuse. I had dealt with sexual trauma since I was twelve and still had not held certain people accountable, so I felt weak. I had allowed trauma, heartbreak, and anger. The anger, shame, & guilt stemmed from feeling like I had not defended myself enough throughout my life’s traumatic ordeals… which led to me hating my everyday reality.
So, how did I get over this?
- The very first thing I did was get in tune with myself spiritually, mentally, emotionally, & physically. Spiritually I grew my relationship with my Father in heaven, mentally & emotionally I started trauma recovery therapy ( I still attend regularly), and physically I committed to a healthier lifestyle by cycling and working out regularly. Therapy was what really gave me the different outlook on my reality. I realized that I was not the only young woman that had divorced, that was cheated on, that experienced trauma, or that was mentally, emotionally, & physically broken. When I realized that I was 1 in a million it made me feel better.
- I held myself accountable for all my decisions that I made in my life that could have possibly led to this reality. I accepted that after my first child postpartum depression really caused distance between my ex-husband and I, which in part led to a lack of communication and that led to his infidelity. I do not blame myself for his wrongdoings, but I accept my part in being distant in that marriage. I also accept that I took him back after cheating the first time, and I believe accepting him back led him to believe his behavior was okay. I accept that my trauma was not my fault, but I was wrong for transferring my trauma onto others because I was hurt. I accepted that only I was responsible for me and my healing.
- I stopped looking into my past, and I started to look forward towards my future. I stopped being blocked off and allowed new friends, dating, and social activities that I did not allow when I was stuck hating my reality. I let myself see a possibility for a happy future, which led to my amazing husband.
- I realized that my reality is not perfect, but there is no reason to hate my life because of what was, what could have, should have, or never happened. Life is about moving forward, and I decided to not let the inability to move forward to stop me from experiencing the reality I am experiencing today.
Although today my life is not perfect, I can say genuinely I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I have set boundaries in life like never before, I do not allow toxic behavior, I do not accept disrespect, I know that I am in control of my life and it FEELS AMAZING! The reality is life happens, and when it does please do not allow guilt, anger, or shame to hold you back from making a better reality for you! 💜