Love is NOT always complicated.
Believe it or not love does not have to always be complicated. I was that young girl that believed if my boyfriend did not argue with me then he was boring and the relationship would not last. I remember my 19-year-old self starting petty and unnecessary arguments with my boyfriend of 2 years who in all honesty was an amazing guy. Besides my husband, mt ex-boyfriend is the only man I have met that has a pure and genuine heart. The guy would open my door, never cursed me out or called me out of my name, he was always gentle and respectful… but I would in return purposefully piss him off and try to make him mad. I can speak on this now because I have been in therapy over 5 years and I now know I was the problem! The sad thing is I left that nice guy for one of the worst men I ever have encountered, and had two amazing kids with him, but suffered 6 years of unhappiness & abuse, and I still today have to co-parent with him. So, I mentioned that to say I have received the karma for mistreating a good man. I received the karma, and I learned a life lesson that love is not always Complicated, and love can be simplicity and just you and that person with no arguments or stress! There does not have to be conflict in a relationship for it to thrive. Because of the relationships I seen growing up, I did not know the difference and I thought conflict in relationships meant love.
Fast forward today and I am remarried to a man that has loved me more than any man on this planet besides my father. My husband is the most unproblematic man I ever met. He loves simplicity, and he does not deal with drama. My husband groomed me into the woman I am today and taught me the meaning of “Love does not have to be complicated!” He has shown me a different type of love. The type of love you crave for after we have been apart too long. My husband went through some rough times with me. He met me fresh off a deployment, and I was going back and forth in the courts with a toxic ex over our children, and I was angry as hell! I was definitely the angry black woman and I can admit it. I was not particularly angry with anyone but myself. I felt like I had been used, and abused, so I was angry that I allowed it for so long. My husband seen a light in me. Since I was a young girl I have always been told “There’s a light around you” or that I have a glow! I used to laugh about it because my first thought was “Yeah Right!”
I can admit with all of me that I did not fully love myself when I met my husband. I would punish myself on the regular by telling myself negative affirmations about myself, and by not allowing myself to be happy. When I met my lover, I knew he had pain and he had been hurt in some way and we connected on our traumas and pain. We did not really have a foundation, we just felt good when we were together and that was all we both ever wanted. I put him through the ringer the first 3 years because I was still healing and forgiving myself for failing myself. I felt like I did not deserve him, and although I knew I had so much love to give, I was scared.
Going on 5 years later and I can say I have learned so many life lessons, and I know now from therapy, research, and a lot of self-help books that conflict in relationships is okay, but it should not be normalized to enjoy relationship conflicts. Most conflict starts because inner anger that we are holding onto from our past. We become defensive towards the closest person to us due to lack of compassion for ourselves. If you have more compassion for yourself then, it is easy to be less defensive and open for communication with the person you love. Giving compassion for your lover, and yourself allows vulnerability.
Below I have listed the top reasons men/women start conflict in their relationships and I will also discuss ways to stop/heal these issues.
If you want a LOVING and UNCOMPLICATED relationship I suggest you….
- Focus on the positive things in your relationship. This could mean stop nitpicking about small things that are not a big deal.
- Have compassion for your partner and try to relate to them before you judge them. For example, stop criticizing them and pointing out all of their flaws before you point out your own. Give them positive affirmations to uplift them and make them feel secure.
- Stop, listen, & think before you react to your spouse out of anger. Taking time to reflect, can prevent words being said that you cannot take back.
- Be honest with your spouse & always express how you are feeling. For example, if you have an issue with your spouse today, discuss it today. A lack of communion and holding back feelings can lead to a huge blow-up that could be prevented with open communication & honesty!
Conflict can skyrocket during the holidays, but it does not have to! Do not ruin your holiday by having conflict with the one you love the most. Keep an open mind and remember Love is not always Complicated!